The big society - a nation where obesity is celebrated and there is no shyness about size.
The dig society - a nation where we turn to our allotments and gardens and create an Eden in these fair isles.
The wig society - a nation where the recession of hairlines and baldness is not tolerated and we address the serious nature of these changes with a wide selection of hairpieces to adorn our heads.
The fig society - a nation where the fruit, both in its normal and dried form, is made a centre-piece of our gastronomic lives and reclaimed from its rather marginal status.
The cig society - a nation where cigarettes, cigars and roll-ups are smoked with a sense of reverence and acknowledgment that in the process we are in a state of divine communion with the vegetable realm.
The pig society - a nation which celebrates the humble sow in all its glorious manifestations - bacon, ham, spam, parma, serrano, gammon.
The twig society - a nation which does not leave behind the twigs amongst us, but cherishes those smaller and weaker than the rest, who may still be bearers of vital gifts.
The jig society - a nation which knows that dance is the best metaphor for life and is not afraid to show its stuff on the disco floor.
The nig society - a nation where niggles and wavering is given a sacred space in our collective psyche - a recognition that we are not always 100% sure of things and sometimes a bit of time spent dilly-dallying is healthy and useful.
The gig society - a nation where the clubbers and ravers get down from their podiums, put away their turn-tables and return to the old-fashioned concept of the live concert.
So let's press on with the re-invention of this tired and battered society, under the direction of our glorious leader, to give birth to a New Jerusalem in these green and pleasant lands. Never give up your mental fight!